Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Day 0

                                                         



Wow! Does that sound apocalyptic or what? Day Zero Day 0 ! 

Chilling!

Trying to live in the now, I am attempting to not predict. 

Day 0 is the 2nd day of my rather lengthy hospitalization. It is the day through modern science when I have my own stem cells put back into my body thereby healing this awful thing called Multiple Myeloma. It's like a Michael Crichton novel.

                                                       


I know I am sounding flippant, but this is serious. And after 8 months of successful treatment, this is REAL!

So, to catch all you caring souls up with the latest on Tony Baksa, here it is:

I will be admitted Tuesday morning August 9th to Roswell Park Cancer Institute for a stem cell transplant. It is not surgery. It entails an insertion of a line into me just below the neck where my own stem cells will be given back to me - that is, my cancer free stem cells. The rest of my stay will be physical therapy and monitoring while my NEW immune system takes control. It is like a reboot. After 2 or 3 weeks I return home AND for 100 days, I must live a cautious life avoiding infections. 

When the 100 days is over WE PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                       


But seriously, I am grateful for this new lease on life and especially thankful to modern science, As someone recently said, "I believe in science."

Thank you to everyone who has been evident in my life since my diagnosis last November through visits, phone calls, texts, emails and even you silent ones - those of you seemingly absent BUT  hopefully praying and sending those love vibrations my way. 

Through all that is good and fair in this world I will be just fine. 

Love,

 Tony or Anthony or Uncle T or "hey you" 

If you want to talk after August 12 or so my cell is 716.380.6022

Glenn's cell is 917.715.5938

                                           




Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Love Is The Cure

Life is a gift - a cliche' to be sure BUT oh so true. When one is hit by certain circumstances one learns this to be true - Life is a Gift.

What's in this gift? Well, it's a grab bag of delights, challenges, sorrows and, saving the best for last , LOVE.
                                                         

At the risk of sounding gooey, it is all about love. One realizes - let me drop the "one". I realize due to my current status more then ever that love is the answer to everything. It's what gets you off you. What I mean by that is this: When my life situation changed so drastically a little over a month ago, to my surprise I didn't wallow in self pity. 

What happened instead was my immediate concern for my loved ones, especially Glenn. How will this impact him?  How will Glenn hurt? How will siblings deal? What about my friends? Should we get together and have a group cry? 
                                                      

Seriously, I didn't cry for weeks. I had one good cry - well it really wasn't a good cry. It was painful. But I cried it out. However, I stopped crying with tears to spare. They'll keep for another day. I don't have time for that now. I am figuring out a way to allow people to help me. To understand their pain. To let them react in their own way whether I see it or not. To assume they care. To assume they love me. To know they do to varying degrees. There are those I know won't much care. There are those who will care but not love me enough to make an effort. 
                                          

I have received lovely support emotionally and otherwise from several confidants. Glenn has been my rock. I never doubted that. 

I want all the love you can give me, now. It is the best support I can possibly get. Love me fully, unabashedly with no apologies. The hell with cute embarrassment. Just love LOVE. It's really the easiest thing in the world and perhaps the hardest. But do it. Don't let the day arrive when you will find yourself overflowing with regret. Regret is one of the most painful feelings.

So, treat yourself to love. Avoid regret. It is really for your own good - and mine. 

Thanks - I love you. - t 

                                               

Thursday, September 17, 2015

HTUTS Reunion 2015

Half way through the party I realized I hadn't been taking any pictures. Unfortunately, not everyone is represented in this photo montage. Some people had come and gone like the Ruffinos etc. Anyway, it was fun and here's some of it with music from our production of "Picnic"
   

video
                                                           

                                                     

Thursday, August 20, 2015

EVERYBODY - SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                   


Today, I heard, yet again, another apology on the news. It was some fake ass celebrity apologizing for something they said yesterday that was deemed offensive by someone. His apology was as fake as his celebrity status.

 I AM SO SICK OF THESE DAILY APOLOGIES! 

There will always be stupid things said. There will always be apologies. The apologies will almost always be insincere. The offense will most certainly be forgotten in a day or two if it weren't for the hungry media keeping the lame controversy alive.

SO SHUT UP EVERYBODY! 

You are not that important. Issuing apologies are acts of conceit. It indicates that the ass-wipe apologizing thinks they are relevant, important and instrumental in governing our lives.

SHUT UP EVERYBODY!

"If I offended anybody.....", they say. Your mere existence offends, OK!

"That was not my intention.....", they utter. So, what, then, was your intention! Please, your intention is as clear as Avian. You got caught being an asshole and you want to save your over-priced career.

SHUT UP, EVERYBODY!

You are not important enough for me to care what you meant. My assumption was you meant to be the topic of the day. You've succeeded . Now, just SHUT UP!

And then there are the people who accost our airwaves on a daily basis with opinion and gall. To the following I say.....................

SHUT UP:
  • Donald Trump - America's Big Embarrassment
  • Bill "Blowhard" O'Reilly
  • The entire Today Show cast
  • The entire The View cast
  • Curtis Sliwa - former Guardian Angel and yesterday's mashed potatoes
  • Robin Meade on HLN - why is this vaudeville act doing the news?
  • Kelly Ripa - you're NOT funny
  • Michael Strahan - you're NOT funny
  • Kelly & Michael - you're STILL not funny
  • Guy Fieri - you're not all the things you think you are - in fact you're not any of the things you think you are
  • Politicians - worst offenders of the insincere apology SHUT UP!!
  • etcetera etcetera etcetera 
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

........thank you.   

                                                  


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Support

                                                    


There's a book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". I haven't read it but I like the title. It's reassuring. After all, bad things are part of life's journey - unfortunately. So we handle it and strive to surmount the dark patch. And much of the time we do. 

Part of the ways we survive the bad things are the good people that support us through it all. By support, I mean a caring word, a gesture, a prayer. A phone call, text or email - checking in means more than I would ever have guessed. 

I survived a very scary episode. My churning stomach, my faltering stance, my shaky hands, my quivering voice, my fidgety movements were soothed and put on hold by the phone calls, texts and emails from caring good people - friends and family. 

However, I feel some disappointment and hurt. There are many family members and friends who I am sure were aware of my difficulty who couldn't muster the good will and sympathy to call, text or email - to lend a word of support. I shall never ever forget their silence.

Also, I will never forget those who did check in often. It meant the world to me and truly eased my aching soul. 

Thank you Michael, Maria, Jeannie, Gene, Anne Marie and your warriors, Debbie & Joe, Adam, Stevie, Eddie & Liz, Patsy, Debbie, Merridy, Jerry & Merry, Colleen, Colin, Grace, Diane, Mimi, Mary Jane, Cathy, Amber, Billy, Christine, Lynette, Danny, Terry, Bill, Jazmin, Mary, Maria, Bob, Donna, Gary, Jolly, Donna L., Donna H., Brenda, Paul, PJ, Courtney, Craig, Chris, Lisa, Nicky, Pat, Lizz, Maria C. , Eileen and Joanne. 

                                                    


The worst is over. Life is good, again. The hurt subsides. How precious is authentic concern. I cherish it - always. 


                                                

Thanks also to newly aware Sara & MJ.

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Meaning of Life

                                            


When the one person in your life - the main person - the one you love so much it hurts - when that person is in danger - in jeopardy - unhappy - sick -  

 - all the joy goes out of everything you do - everything you see - you eat without tasting - your laugh is empty - your smile is just a position you arrange with your lips - your eyes lose focus - your stomach churns unrelentingly.

                                               


The things you wanted that would make you happy don't.

Why is this?

It is so because nothing is anything if not shared. Your joy needs a witness. Without the participation of your loved one there is no joy.

This is the meaning of life. To love and be loved is all that matters. It is the simplest truth.                              
                                                


We laugh together.

We cry alone.

An artist paints a picture to be seen. A singer sings a song to be heard. The painting, the song has no value otherwise.

Love only exists when it is given as well as accepted. True love is the equalizer. 

This is why we ache when our loved one aches. 

Life is a hellish solitary confinement when bad things happen to your one true love. 

A hollow stomach - a band of ache grips the head - future scenarios are grim - you tingle with fear - your sleep is muddled - you awake only to be greeted with the familiar devastation....

This is now your life.

But because you have a life- the inevitable glimmer of hope appears.

It's a new day even with the old baggage and your love is still your love.

                                                



Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Worry Wart

                                                          


Don't you hate it when people say to you "Don't worry" - as if on their command you just stop - it's instant - you stop worrying - NOT! 

It's like asking someone not to think about elephants. And, of course, all you can think of from that point on is ELEPHANTS.  

Rather than tell me not to worry, try listening  - or not.
Offer realistic solutions - or not. 
Be sympathetic - or not. 
JUST DO NOT TELL ME I SHOULDN'T WORRY.

Another thing - don't top my worry with your worry. It doesn't help. You are attempting to relate somehow - I know - but it's transparent and a tad selfish. Do not rob me of my misery. Let me own it - chew it and spit it out.  

Help me if I ask for it. Don't say "If you need anything, do not hesitate to call me" then not be reachable. It's like saying "Let's do lunch sometime." 

Look, I believe that worrying is unavoidable in life. I also believe it is to some extent necessary and healthy. It is also very motivating and it will lead you out of your worry. You will discover an answer - a way to fix things that will delete your worry. 

That is, if you are sane...............otherwise all bets are off. 

                                                       


There has been much to worry about, lately. But, you know, time does heal everything. You look back at the drama and sigh with great relief that it's over. Of, course, there are always plenty of replacement worries lined up and waiting for your consideration. So, you take them one by one checking them off as new ones arrive.

It's called life. I am thankful for my worries. It means I'm alive and kicking at misfortune - enjoying the victories more than the lost battles to be sure - but fighting always - always for a clear lucid life. Is there any other way to be? 

And those victorious moments are worth the battles.

It's just right now, my worry list is all too real. One item gets checked off only to be replaced by another. Truly, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING!

Next.............................